Depression has set in

[terri9967]

As the rain continues here, depression seems to be getting worse for me. Thought I would be good after a nice week long vacation but.......

All started other other day when i was so frustrated with the 3 little dogs I have. One of them is only 7 months and for the life of me I can not get her house broke. We (me!) put her outside and she comes back in and goes to the bathroom on kitchen floor. I have never had a dog this difficult! Top it all off she got pregnant by my male who is another sore spot for me. I have all peekapoos and my male keeps spraying. My 9 year old she is perfect! No troubles with her. But I had a really bad day the other day. The puppy, Paris, had gone to the bathroom in her kennel, as she always seems to do, and I had given her a bath and mopped the kitchen floor, in the morning, like I do every morning, and she had gone to the bathroom several time in the kitchen and again in the kennel. (another bath) my male, Pierre, had sprayed my fridge and the hall way where I have taken old smelly carpet out. I had been trying to fix a nice home made speg and meatball dinner for all 7 of us and clean the house, and keep up with the new free 20X5 pool. Hubby came home from work and asked if I could make a pot of coffee.......Ok.....I got right on that. then I had told him of my awful day with the dogs and told him that I wanted to get rid of them all, and explained that I just cant do it anymore. I am the only one that cleans up after them. He said "well you're home all day" so I repeated myself and said I just cant do it anymore. He turned around in a very sarcastic whiny voice "I cant do it anymore" that just sent me into instant tears. I said in tears, I wish I was not sick" He just turned when upstairs. I just feel so overwhelmed lately, so many things need to be done around the house and I cant get the energy to do them. Gutters have not been cleaned in 3 years and we got a pool for free, its a sofpool and people said it was a 15X4 so we spent a day clearing the yard of rocks and trying to get it level. Then spent 3 days filling it. boy the people were soooo wrong on the size it is a 20X5 not 15X4. Carpet needs put down. And top it all off my granddaughters baptism is Friday and then on the 10th I have a graduation party for my daughter to do here, and on the 24th is my other daughters sweet 16 birthday party I have to do here as well. Yard needs cleaned, chain link fence needs put up, pool needs cleaned. Just sooo much, to much! Before I was sick this would not be a problem. I would get it all done without any troubles. But I cant see myself getting everything done in time.

My hubby does not like to talk or think about me being sick. Makes him to depressed he says. So he works, comes home and does computer programing all night.

I love him dearly, and he took me and 3 teenage daughters, on knowing before hand how sick I was and what a hard road I have. But since we married, he has stopped helping out around the house. We used to cook and do dishes together, work on the yard together, do the house repairs together. Now, he doesn't do any of that. If its something I can not do I have to ask my dad or my daughters boyfriend to help me. I shouldn't have to do that, should I?

And even with trying to keep up on house stuff, I am expected to look pretty and have energy and be "in the mood" when he is.

I told him and my daughters boyfriend the other night, they treat horses with a broken bone better then this. Some times I just want to give up. What kind of a life is this??? Since the granddaughter was born I kept her in sight to keep fighting and going on, but now theses days I hurt so bad that I have a hard time even holding her for more then 5 min. My patients level is so low. I can not handle alot of commotion anymore. My blood pressure sky rockets when things get loud and rowdy here. And with 3 teenagers, with there boyfriends/girlfriends and a grand-baby and 3 dogs, there is always commotion.

How do you all cope with life's NORMAL things??? I feel like I am short changing my kids, husband and now a grandchild. Its not fair to them just as much as its not fair to me!! I don't know what to do anymore!

Wow, I am so sorry this has turned into such a long whine fest. No one else seems to understand except my friends on here.

Sorry again.
Terri

[steve201]

Terri
I think your trying to put too much on yourself....that would overwhelm me!!...all I can suggest is to have a serious heart to heart family talk....then say...you get this chore...you get that chore...and the dogs!!...gone!!!...end of story....I'm lucky..we have 2 shelties that really know when I'm ticked or they did something wrong....guilt works great on them....but for your dogs...sorry...I've never liked that type of dog...too vengeful little ba$tards.....got a mean streak a mile wide as far as I'm concerned....they always look like their thinking ...aren't I cute...I can pee on your floor and your still gonna love me!!...wroooooong.....if it was me they'd get ejected out of the house so danged fast.....haha...

ok...but serious...your stressing too much about hurting thier feelings when they should be understanding you more.....I know!!..the same ole story...well..you don't look sick!!...well...you are and your going to have to make it a point for them to understand.....

then eject the little dogs....

well...that's my soap box rendition....someone else can step in now..

Steve

[Peggy]

I really think you need to sit down with your hubby and be honest with him. For you to keep doing it all and not saying anything it's never going to change. You need to tell him that when you got married he knew what he was signing on for. He has to pitch in and help. It doesn't matter that you're home all day you are just not physically able to do it all and there's no reason you have to. Everyone in your household needs to be assigned a job that they are responsible for. If they don't like it too bad. Who says they all get a pass and it's all up to you? I have had a hard time giving in but I no longer am able to do it all either. There's no reason you should have to suffer through this and if they love you they will understand. You just need to start being honest.

And, if it means getting rid of the dogs then you should. Give them to the shelter to find another good home. Sometimes in our lives we get to the point that we just can't do it all and you are at that point. Just think how much easier life would be if you didn't have all that cleaning up with to contend with. If you don't get rid of them then you should consider putting up a kennel and putting them in there and then you don't have the mess in the house.

I so hope you get some help soon. Please, please sit everyone down and have a heart-to-heart and be honest with them. If you don't it will never change!

Hugs,
Peggy

[Cubby]

I couldn't say it better than Peggy just did.

[kathsherman]

Terri,
You need to listen to your body!!! If you don't rest when needed and simplify your entire life, you will get sicker and then what is accomplished, but more frustration/sadness. Please believe me when I say, "I get it". Over the years, I have HAD to "downsize" my home (moved to a smaller house on one floor), my work hours (work part-time...volunteer only one day per week) and say "NO" to family and friend's requests and invitations, when I feel stressed or overwhelmed. Not an easy road.... but a necessary one. I still get a twinge of "Mother/Wife guilt" when I decide to stay home and rest, rather than exhaust myself, but my husband and girls (16+12yrs.old) understand. They have no choice.....if they want me to stay healthy. They know I love them and need to take care of myself. Would you (and hubby?) consider counseling? Living with a chronic illness and managing daily stresses can be helped a great deal by speaking to a trained therapist...Please know that we all understand here and just want to offer some suggestions. Hang in there and take care of yourself.....
P.S. Ask if the family parties could be held somewhere else? Entertaining a crowd can be very stressful and tiring....it may even be less expensive to meet at a local restaurant....then you can enjoy also!!!
Kathleen xoxoxoxoxo

[sherion]

I agree that you should NOT be doing everything by yourself! Your daughters are old enough to be a huge help to you. If you are having parties for them they should be doing the cleaning to get the house ready! The fencing and gutters should be done by your husband. You do need to have a family meeting and explain to them that you are simply not able to do it all. Your husband needs to understand that most men that work also do the yard work and other strenuous chores. They do not leave it all up to the good little woman! Your family could also help out in the puppy training also. They probably enjoy the pups so have them help!
Sorry I am also on a rampage but fair is fair and when a person is ill they should be shown a lot more concern and caring than you're getting!!

Good luck, I hope you can get some cooperation

Sherion

[terri9967]

I know what you all are saying is right. But I have a problem living by the old saying "if you want it done, do it yourself" I have tried and tried especially with the kids to get them to do things around here to help me out but I get the "ok mom, I will" answer with no actually action. Or I will ask one of them to do the dishes for me cause I have one of my bad headaches and I get.. "I did them yesterday, why doesnt karen do them?" So its just easier and in a way less stressfull to do it myself rather then listen to them argue.

As for the hubby that is partially my fault. Instead of coming right out and ask "hey can you clean the gutters out?" I will simply say "geez I have to get those gutters cleaned out" I guess I hope that he would say..."you shouldnt be climbing a ladder and doing that, I will do it" But that never seems to happen. So I guess in reality that is my own fault cause I dont point blank ask him to do the things.

As for the up coming parties I was going to have them at my moms house, but my mom is well..... lets just say moody. And I wouldnt be able to relax if it was there as my mom is a clean freak big time and I would be worried someone would track dirt into her house. And I dont wanna listen to her gripe about parties being at her house. She is suttle about it, she will say..."you just did all the nice work to the garden, why not have it at your house" So when we got the free pool, party at my house now.

My sister inlaw, who has been my best friend forever, had a talk with my kids. It worked for a few days, but thats it.

thank you everyone for all your support and advice.

Hugsss to you all
Terri

[isobelle44]

Before i got morphea and the exhaustion my kids wanted a pool, so i bought one of these big ones from walmart and we set it up in the yard. I found i was the only one cleaning OUR pool. Being single parent i had plenty to do without that stupid pool. So i told them if they wanted it they had to keep it up or it goes. Well they didnt so it went. They were plenty old enough, just they were to busy, like i was to mess with it. I think in the long run once the responsibility got to be theirs,they didnt care that i sold it. But that was my experience with a pool. I sure dont miss it. But for a party it would be nice to have thats for sure.

[kathleen]

Terri, You need to put yourself first. If you don't who in your family will? Teenage girls need to learn to do chores, dishes etc., or how will they learn to take care of those things when they leave home. Set them all down and tell them there is a new "Terri" in town and new rules with consiquences if they are not followed. Whats the worst that could happen? Maybe you could get the respect and help you need from them. Sorry if that sounds a little harsh I am a member of the tough love club. Its ok to stick up for them and take care of them just be sure you get the same in return sick or not.
Good luck,
Kathleen

[jeffn]

I think you need to simplify. As hard as it is if you have to farm out the dogs thats what you have to do. Farming out the dogs would be easier than farming out the family however if your world is anything like mine getting rid of the family and keeping the dogs might be a more attractive option some days (not really). Having the animals is tough in that you really can't reason with them. Until you get a handle on the SD you can't run yourself down physically every day. I have had more umph of late and have been able to get to a bunch of those "clean out the gutter" type jobs but those sorts of things have languished the past couple of years. Like you I just could not accomplish them and it was frustrating.

As someone noted above you need to also have the sit down with the family. You need to lay out that this is where you are presently and this is what you can do in the course of a day. I know easier said than done.

Hang in there.

[christel]

Wow, Terri, I got exhausted just reading about all you have going on. All that stuff if more than ANYONE, even a totally healthy person, should have to deal with. Of course, you don't need to hear that if you don't take care of yourself, those things aren't going to get done anyway... Sit back and rest and let people (including you) feel sorry for yourself! A novel concept for most of us, I know, but it certainly couldn't hurt at this stage of the game!! Hang in there and good luck!!

Christel
(mom of 3 kids and 2 dogs!)

[Cubby]

TERRI: OK young lady, I WANT YOU TO START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST!!!! Assign chores to the kids and if they don't do them, don't do yours. YOUR JOB is to take care of YOUR HEALTH and nothing else. If you were no longer here on this earth, I bet someone would care for the dogs, clean the house, do the dishes and take care of the gutters. Have a family meeting and tell them that your disease could be fatal if you do not put your health first.