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Post by steve201 on Sept 27, 2011 16:44:29 GMT -5
some guy jokes for you ladies.
Why do men become smarter during sex?..... HELLO.. BECAUSE THEY R PLUGGED INTO A GENIUS!!!!
Why don't women blink during sex?.... They don't have enough time...
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?... They don't stop to ask directions
Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?... Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock..
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?.... So they won't hump women's legs.
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Oct 18, 2011 9:48:37 GMT -5
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle..
Money spent:
Oil Change:$20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total: $21.00 ==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine..
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail...
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard..
Money spent: Parts: $50..00 DUI: $2500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1500.00 Beer: $20.00 Total: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right!
SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH......
AND TO ANY MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT...
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Oct 19, 2011 7:54:17 GMT -5
The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance. "Nuts and Butts" - no way. "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good. "Loons and Moons" - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Nov 16, 2011 18:45:37 GMT -5
Sex Terms If Sex with 3 people is called a threesome....
If Sex with 2 people is a twosome....
Now we understand why they call you
"handsome"!
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Nov 29, 2011 21:48:27 GMT -5
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!' 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Dec 13, 2011 15:07:18 GMT -5
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had too many beers and some rather fine merlot.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before -- I took a bus home!
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and still don't know where or how I got this one!
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Dec 14, 2011 10:10:39 GMT -5
Christmas Foursome
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
Number 2 guy say My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater".
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Dec 15, 2011 18:29:05 GMT -5
FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'
SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Dec 18, 2011 10:58:10 GMT -5
Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Dec 20, 2011 15:53:41 GMT -5
There was a small church in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them around and on the nipples of her breasts hoping maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat or get any of the green persimmons near her mouth, “because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while”. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said “ew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.”
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 16, 2012 15:03:53 GMT -5
LATE NIGHT CALL TO THE VET
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me," he replied.
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 16, 2012 15:04:34 GMT -5
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.The test results show that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I wana know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem'.
'I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him:
"You gonna try again."
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 21, 2012 23:07:17 GMT -5
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can't remember...
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act...
8. Make all the noise you want... The neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
‘Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re
barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have
to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action’ means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
‘gets lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot...
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 22, 2012 19:34:12 GMT -5
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't give him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'
The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctors office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up.'
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 22, 2012 19:39:23 GMT -5
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her...what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.
Steve
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