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Post by steve201 on Feb 21, 2011 20:45:28 GMT -5
The other day, a gentleman went to a Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said. The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"! The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills". The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet". The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Feb 25, 2011 19:55:53 GMT -5
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day....
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
' What the Hell was I thinking?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- --------------- ------------------------------------------- I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
That you're not here to ruin it for me. #################################################### Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
***************************** *************************************************** Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas , Kentucky & West Virginia ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////// We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here. ==================================== ================= Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use
sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes,why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattressesare not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law
jokes?
And my FAVORIT E...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. ~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Feb 25, 2011 20:59:45 GMT -5
Two blondes walk into a building.........
You'ld think at least one of them would have seen it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre And rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat And I wanted to impress upon her that she must Remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, Gave me a strange look and said,
'Why don't you just put it in park ? --------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate and she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray....
'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery.'
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays...
'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck...
Once again, she prays...
'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house, and my car... I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You... PLEASE,
let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
'My Child...work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?' 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant 'T#ts Go In Front.'' ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Mar 7, 2011 12:14:33 GMT -5
GOODBYE MOM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker? Don't trust Little Old Ladies!
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"! Steve
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Post by steve201 on Mar 11, 2011 12:27:55 GMT -5
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.'
Now, how about that drink?
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Mar 11, 2011 12:34:31 GMT -5
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's JUST GREAT....
Some a$$hole's got my pen!'
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Mar 14, 2011 19:42:48 GMT -5
A blond city girl marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
STeve
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Post by steve201 on Mar 17, 2011 17:18:30 GMT -5
Paddy was driving down the street nervous because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.* Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.** If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up to Heaven and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father...'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this.* You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.* I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
steve
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Post by steve201 on Mar 17, 2011 23:02:40 GMT -5
There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the sh#t out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
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Post by steve201 on Mar 22, 2011 17:18:23 GMT -5
TEXAS AND THE SHORT GUY
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side .. . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."
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Post by steve201 on Mar 30, 2011 21:15:37 GMT -5
Michael and Gary got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together. In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ' After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
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He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think....I gave him my airplane glue.'
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Apr 2, 2011 9:58:17 GMT -5
The other day, a gentleman went to a Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said. The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"! The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills". The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet". The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"
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Post by steve201 on Apr 5, 2011 18:55:32 GMT -5
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. " That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." " That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" " That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." ********************************************************************************************************** An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." " I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***********************************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". " Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" " That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?" " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" S he says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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AND THE BEST FOR L AST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall . The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!" Steve
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Post by steve201 on Apr 6, 2011 8:08:21 GMT -5
This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.
An elderly couple are attending church services.. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Apr 8, 2011 20:09:33 GMT -5
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry, and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point, the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart
attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know," replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest...."
Steve
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