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Post by steve201 on Jan 31, 2011 11:40:18 GMT -5
Italian Virginity Test Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a 'Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit': a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "And whata do I do widtha these-a things, doc?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen, you hit her with the shovel."
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Post by steve201 on Jan 31, 2011 23:26:12 GMT -5
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(You'll love this)
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Feb 1, 2011 17:15:01 GMT -5
"Things I Learnt 'Bout Tha South".... A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy! Jawl-P? means Did y'all go to the bathroom? People actually grow and eat okra. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat? You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em. Ya'll is singular, all ya'll is plural. You measure distance in minutes. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
you know what a DAWG is. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.
You know what a hissy fit is. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin' or off to Wally World. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather. Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.
You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.
GOD BLESS THE SOUTH.
Steve
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Post by sherion on Feb 1, 2011 20:51:26 GMT -5
Oh boy, The Alabama in me sure did come out when I read this!!!LOLOLOL
Sherion
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Post by steve201 on Feb 1, 2011 22:13:14 GMT -5
Crisco! An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out,"Crisco, Crisssssssco!" Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D". The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband." The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?" The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?" "Lard ass!
steve
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Post by steve201 on Feb 2, 2011 17:16:33 GMT -5
Father of the yr
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company... these are customer complaints."
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Feb 5, 2011 20:37:58 GMT -5
Ole Swensen, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every way.'
The doctor told him, 'Ole, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Ole...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena
"Still in da crate!!!"
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Post by steve201 on Feb 8, 2011 15:26:33 GMT -5
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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Post by steve201 on Feb 9, 2011 18:12:43 GMT -5
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Feb 9, 2011 22:58:33 GMT -5
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Feb 10, 2011 12:18:24 GMT -5
A seemingly drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,! sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned',then returned to his paper.
The priest, after thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Feb 13, 2011 23:10:28 GMT -5
Warning....this could very well save your life!! NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EEEVER ........ hold a fart!! Steve
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Post by steve201 on Feb 16, 2011 12:10:31 GMT -5
There Is a Moral Here! A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked To the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a Cinnamon roll.'
The moral of the story is.... When you are young and foolish - Speed and flash may seem a good thing!
When you get older and smarter - Comfort and dull is not such a bad thing! Us older folks understand this one.
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Post by steve201 on Feb 16, 2011 16:52:16 GMT -5
When you have an
'I Hate My Job day'
Try this out:
Stop at your pharmacy, go to the Thermometer section and purchase A rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your Doors, draw the curtains and Disconnect the phone so You will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable Clothing and sit in your favorite Chair. Open the package and Remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table Or a surface so that it will not Become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from The box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small Print there is this statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer Made by Johnson & Johnson Is personally tested And then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat Out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE REAR THAN YOURS!
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Post by steve201 on Feb 17, 2011 10:54:55 GMT -5
Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
“That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”
“How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London."
“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
Steve
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