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Post by steve201 on Jan 16, 2011 20:04:03 GMT -5
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
You'll love this...
I know you will... . . . . . . "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 17, 2011 16:16:33 GMT -5
"Hi Mom, it's me." "Hi Sally, are you okay? Aren't you with your father at the Ace Hardware ?"
"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call."
"What happened Sally?"
"Oh, I punched the hell out of this African-American woman in the face."
"What on earth.... Why did you do that Sally???"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault Mom."
"Dad told me to walk thru the store and find a "Black and Decker." Mom, I mean, I really knocked the sh#t out of her. "
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 19, 2011 10:35:05 GMT -5
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Granddad, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single a$$hole, blind b#stard, dipsh#t or son of a b#tch anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 21, 2011 0:07:58 GMT -5
THE WOMAN POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart, and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Will pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh, send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother. THE MAN POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh#t.
Steve
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Melanie
Junior Member
It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived
Posts: 60
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Post by Melanie on Jan 21, 2011 17:50:23 GMT -5
That is hilarious!! ;D
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Post by steve201 on Jan 21, 2011 22:03:55 GMT -5
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants? (Scroll down for the answer) * * * M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? You know I wouldn't send anything rude Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 24, 2011 13:11:11 GMT -5
I work with a polish guy straight from poland...he's hilarious and is always sending me polish jokes.....this one is his!!
steve --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland ..
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~
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Post by steve201 on Jan 24, 2011 15:35:04 GMT -5
Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day! Gotta love this Judge!
You must read this......a proper decision by the courts...for a change.
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned..." You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture! steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 25, 2011 20:38:14 GMT -5
Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow says: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
. . . . . . . . .
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
Steve
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Post by sherion on Jan 25, 2011 23:06:14 GMT -5
OH GEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!LOLOL
Sherion
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Post by steve201 on Jan 27, 2011 9:08:04 GMT -5
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk,
but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
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Post by steve201 on Jan 28, 2011 13:30:54 GMT -5
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal Dog Food at WalMart and standing in line at the check out.
No kidding, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid b----, why else would I buy dog food??
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Post by steve201 on Jan 28, 2011 15:32:51 GMT -5
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity; he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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Post by steve201 on Jan 28, 2011 22:13:59 GMT -5
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my wine.
Steve
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Post by steve201 on Jan 31, 2011 8:54:10 GMT -5
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
Steve
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